Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Crocheted Penis and Scrotum Pattern by Anne Tenino

For all of you who asked....



There are basically two patterns in one, here. There’s the “easy” one (resulting in a less realistic-looking set of genitalia—but how realistic can yarn penises get?), and the “difficult” one. The problem with the difficult one is not only that it’s a little difficult to do, but I’m afraid the pattern is hard to follow. If it is, look for updates, or leave me comments about it and I’ll see if we can work it out…

With this pattern, I sort of assume you’re comfortable cheating on directions when it makes sense to you to do so. If you are one of those people who needs to follow directions precisely every step of the way, you might want to follow the “easy” pattern.

Errata: (You knew there'd be some, right?) in the section beginning Head, subsection "Difficult" Version, Rd 4 should read: "1 sc in first sc. 2 flosc in next three. (1 sc in next, sc2tog) twice. 1 sc in next sixteen sc. 2 flosc in next three sc. (25 sc, 6 flosc). It's fixed in the version below, but if you printed the earlier version, please note the change.

Materials

-Yarn (any yarn will do, but as a general rule I’d plan on a minimum of one large or two small balls of yarn so you don’t run out—of course, you can always make the shaft shorter, although I don’t imagine that will be a popular option).

-Crochet hook about two sizes smaller (or smaller if you crochet loosely) than recommended for the yarn you’ve chosen.

-A yarn needle big enough to thread your yarn through, but not too big to push through your stitches.

Gauge

It’s really not important. You just want the stitches tight enough that the stuffing doesn’t peek through (much), or fall out.

Special Stitch Guide:

I’m assuming you know the basics, like single crochet (sc), double crochet (dc) and slip stitch (sl st).

flosc—front loop only single crochet: crocheting in only the front loop (closest to you), but in this case it will be on the inside of the shaft.

sc2tog—single crochet 2 stitches together: insert hook in next stitch, yo, insert in next stitch, yo, yo and pull through all the loops on the hook. Also known as “decreasing.” See a video tutorial on decreasing single crochet here: http://crochet.about.com/library/bl_decrease.htm

sc4tog—single crochet 4 stitches together, as above in “sc2 tog”
sc5tog—single crochet 5 stitches together, as above in “sc2 tog”.

Scrotum
The testicles are crocheted separately, then joined together to make the scrotum. Once you have the basic idea of how they are constructed, I’d encourage you to mess around. Remember, real testicles are rarely symmetrical, so why should yarn testicles be perfect little balls? Just remember to keep the opening where they’re crocheted together the same number of rows in height. I made it sixteen for these, but you can make it as many as you want.

Testicle One:

Rd 1—ch 2, 8sc in second chain from the hook, join to 1st sc. (8 sc)
Rd 2—ch 1, 2sc in each sc around, join (16 sc)
Rd 3—ch 1, (1sc in next 2 sc, 2sc in next sc) around (you’ll finish mid-repeat), join. (21 sc)
Rd 4—ch 1, 2sc in 1st sc, 1 sc in next ten sc, 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in remaining sc, join. (23 sc)
Rd 5—ch 1, turn. Working in opposite direction, (1sc in next 2sc, 2 sc in next) 7 times. 1 sc in last two. (30 sc)
Rd 6—ch 1, turn. 2 sc in 1st sc, 1 sc in next 13 sc, 2 sc in next two sc, 1 sc in next 13 sc, 2 sc in last (34 sc)
Rds 7,8 & 9—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (34)
Rd 10—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in first sc (sc2tog, 1 sc in next 6) four times. 1 sc in next 7 sc. (30 sc)
Rd 11—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (30 sc)
Rd 12—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next four sc, sc2tog) five times. (25 sc)
Rd 13—repeat round 11. (25 sc)
Rd 14—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next three sc, sc2tog in next) five times. (20 sc)
Rd 15—repeat round 11. (20 sc)
Rd 16—ch 1, turn. (1sc in next three, sc2tog) around. (16 sc)
Rd 17—repeat round 11. (16 sc)
Rd 18—ch 1 turn. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next two sc) around. (12 sc)
Rds 19 & 20—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (12 sc)
Fasten off.

Testicle Two

Rd 1—ch 2, 8sc in second chain from the hook, join to 1st sc. (8 sc)
Rd 2—ch 1, (2 sc in next three sc, 1 sc in next sc) twice. Join. (14 sc)
Rd 3—ch 1, (1 sc in first sc, 2 sc in next sc) seven times. Join. (21 sc)
Rd 4—ch 1, 2 sc in first sc, 1 sc in next ten sc, 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in next nine sc. (23 sc)
Rd 5—ch 1, turn. Working in opposite direction, 1 sc in first sc, (2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in next six sc) three times. 2 sc in last sc. (27 sc)
Rd 6—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (27 sc)
Rd 7—ch 1, turn. 2 sc in first sc, 1 sc in next twelve sc, 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in next nine sc, 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in last three sc. (30 sc)
Rd 8—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next 9 sc, 2 sc in next) three times. (33 sc)
Rds 9, 10 11 & 12—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (33 sc)
Rd 13—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next nine sc, sc2tog) three times. (30 sc)
Rd 14—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (30 sc)
Rd 15—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next 4 sc, sc2tog) five times. (25 sc)
Rd 16—ch 1, turn. 1 sc in each sc around. (25 sc)
Rd 17—ch 1, turn. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next three sc) five times. (20 sc)
Rd 18—repeat round 16. (20 sc)
Rd 19—ch 1, turn. (1 sc in next two, sc2tog) five times. (15 sc)
Rd 20—repeat row 16. (15 sc)
Don’t fasten off, place last loop in stitch holder.

To join testicles:

Turn testicle one inside out and place testicle two inside it so that rounds 5-20 of each testicle line up. (See image above.) Using hook one size smaller than you used to crochet them with (e.g., I used an “F” hook to crochet the testicles, so here I switched to an “E” hook), slip stitch the testicles together along the edges of the rounds, beginning with where you left off on testicle two, around to other side. Leave top open, and again place holder, don’t fasten off. (Check out the images with the red testicles and yellow-green slip stitches for visual help.)

Turn testicles inside out, and they should make a scrotum-shaped bag. The place where you joined them is referred to as the scrotal seam in the next step of the pattern.

Ta-dah! You have a scrotum!

(See gray yarn pic for how they look when joined and stuffed.)

The Faux-taint. (A.K.A the anatomically ambiguous part)
(Since male anatomy doesn’t actually join the front and back of the scrotum to the penis, we have a part here that represents where the man would be joined to his genitalia. I don’t have a word for it, but one pattern I found called it the “taint.” It’s not the taint. I find that annoying. Regardless, here you go.)

Beginning where you finished crocheting the testicles together (this is now the “underside” of the penis, or the frenulum side), you’re going to sc2tog, joining one sc from one side of the scrotal seam to one sc on the other (see pictures of red scrotum with green/yellow yarn). This sc2tog is now the “frenulum stitch” and you’re going to use it as a guide. Proceed with 1 sc in each sc around opening, until the next scrotal seam, where you’ll sc2tog the same way (one from one side, one from the other). Continue with 1 sc in each sc until you reach your first sc2tog. Don’t join—from here you’ll be crocheting in the round. Count your stitches so you know how many you have.

You want to end up with 25 sc to make the shaft an appropriate girth (or an inappropriate girth, or possibly a desirable size? Something like that) If you have to reduce stitches to get 25, take a couple of rounds to sc2tog in front and back as needed (above scrotal seam). If you need to increase, I put it on the front seam, but it’s less critical for the eventual shape so do what works.

Once you have the correct number of stitches, you’re going to begin the anatomically ambiguous part, A.K.A. the faux-taint. Choose from the methods below.

“Easy” version:

In this version you essentially do nothing extra, just start crocheting the shaft of the penis in the round (no more ch 1 joins, just crochet in a spiral, placing marker—PM—at the first stitch of each round, keeping it centered above the scrotal seam on the frenulum side if it helps you). If you choose this method, skip below to “Stuffing Your Scrote.” The advantage to this method is that you don’t have to do anything funky to make the faux-taint. The disadvantage is that your penis will rise straight out of your scrotum in a seriously anatomically incorrect way (as opposed to the more mildly anatomically incorrect way I give you below). I personally like verisimilitude, so I’m not a fan of this method, but go for it if you have already accepted that a crocheted penis can only be so realistic, unlike me.

“Difficult” version:
By following this method, you’ll end up with a bend in your shaft that looks like the one in the green variegated penis and scrotum pictured. It looks a bit odd, but if you hate crocheting into slip stitches, this is the way to go. If you don’t mind crocheting into slip stitches, follow the note at the end of this section.

Begin by fastening off and rejoining your yarn into the fifth sc from the frenulum side.
Row 1—1 sc in next 16 sc
Row 2—turn (no ch 1). Beginning in second sc from hook, 1 sc in next 13 sc, then sl st into 14th sc.
Repeat row two, reducing each row by two sc, until you are left with a row of four sc.
Fasten off
Join yarn in sc centered above frenulum stitch.

Note: Alternate difficult version—Instead of fastening off and rejoining, in row 1, sl st into 1st four sc, then follow above from row 2. When you’re done, sl st to frenulum stitch and continue below.

Stuffing Your Scrota:

If you don’t stuff your scrotum now, you’ll end up trying to stuff it through the penis at the end. I recommend using polyester fiberfill, and packing it in until you have it as tight as you want. I’ve tried flour (inside a balloon), rice and flax seed. None of them really work by themselves, but you can stuff with a mixture of fiberfill and rice and get a nice, heavy set of testicles. I suppose you could use them as a paperweight. (See a stuffed scrota above, the gray picture with my hand in it.)

Shaft:

This part’s easy. Just note you’re crocheting in the round, and if you want to keep track of the first stitch of each round, use a stitch marker. You don’t really need to, though, and you want to end up with the marker centered over the frenulum stitch from below. For some reason (probably having to do with math) the first stitch of each round seems to migrate. I don’t bother to mark it, and when I get to a desirable length (remember, your desires may not match those of other people) I estimate the location of the frenulum stitch.

Rd 1—1 sc in each sc around. (25 sc)
Repeat round 1 until you have the length you want (or need)—but remember, you’re crocheting a head on top of this.

Important------> Stuff your shaft with fiberfill as you go.

Note: You can put bends in your penis shaft by slip stitching in some sc. Stack your sl sts on top of each other (but only on one side of the shaft, or you’ll just have a short section) for a few rounds to get a bend. E.g., crochet four rounds as 5 sc, 10 sl st, 10 sc and you’ll get a bend. The shaft will bend toward the sl st side.

Head:
Place a marker in your frenulum stitch. This will be the beginning of your rounds from here on.

Again, with the easy and the difficult. You can basically decide at some point you want a head and do the following:

“Easy” version:
I find this method to be highly unrealistic. OTOH, it’s not like this thing is functional…

Rd 1—3 sc in each sc around. (75 sc)
Rd 2—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next sc) twenty-five times. (50 sc)
Rd 3—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next 3 sc) ten times. (40 sc)
Rd 4—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next 2 sc) ten times. (30 sc)
Rd 5—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next 4 sc) five times. (25 sc)
Rd 6—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next 3 sc) five times. (20 sc)
Rd 7—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next 2 sc) five times. (15 sc)
Rd 8—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next sc) five times. (10 sc)
This is a good place to stop and stuff in some more bits of fiberfill.
Rd 9—sc2tog five times. (5 sc)
Rd 10—sc5tog.
More fiberfill.
Fasten off.
Weave in ends.

Then there’s the more difficult version, which tends to look more real. Did I mention I like realism?

“Difficult” version:

Rd 1—1 sc in first sc, 1 sc in next nine sc. 2 flosc in next six sc. 1 sc in next nine sc. Join to first sc. (19 sc, 12 flosc)
Rd 2—1 sc in first sc, 1 sc in next six sc. 2 flosc in next three sc. (1 sc in next sc, sc2tog)
four times. 2 flosc in next three sc. 1 sc in next six sc. (21 sc, 12 flosc)
Rd 3—1 sc in first sc, 1 sc in next three sc. 2 flosc in next three sc. (sc2tog, 1sc in next) twice. 1 sc in next 8 sc. (sc2tog, 1sc in next) twice. 2 flosc in next three sc. 1 sc in next three. Join to first sc. (23 sc, 6 flosc)
Rd 4—1 sc in first sc. 2 flosc in next three. (1 sc in next, sc2tog) twice. 1 sc in next sixteen sc. 2 flosc in next three sc. (25 sc, 6 flosc)
Rd 5—1 sc in first sc. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next) twice. 1 sc in next twenty four sc. (1 sc in next sc, sc2tog) twice. (33 sc).
Rd 6—ch 2, 1dc in 1st sc. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next four sc) five times. Sc2tog. Join to dc. (1 dc, 26 sc)
Rd 7—1 sc in first sc. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next three sc) four times. sc2tog, 1 sc in next two, sc2tog. Join to first sc. (21 sc)
Rd 8—1 sc in first sc. (sc2tog, 1 sc in next two sc) three times. 1 sc in next four, sc tog. Join to first sc. (16 sc)
Rd 9—(sc2tog, 1 sc in next two) four times. Join to first sc. (12 sc)
Rd 10—(1 sc in next sc, sc2tog) four times. Join to first sc. (8 sc)
This is a good place to stop and stuff in some more bits of fiberfill.
Rd 11—sc2tog four times. (4 sc) Rd 12—sc4 tog.
More fiberfill.
Fasten off.

Corona:

Join yarn to top of penis head, and crochet on the outside of the penis. Do this by inserting a hook under a stitch, yo, pull up loop, yo and pull through all loops on hook, then move one row below. Work down one side of the frenulum until you meet the back loops left exposed from the front loop only sc in rounds 1-4 of the “difficult” version. (See them in the picture above—the back loops are the line that run perpendicular to the stichetes, below the green yarn.) Inserting your hook under these loops, work two sc into each, working around the head back to the frenulum (see picture below—gray penis with greenish yarn corona partially worked). Work vertically up to the top of the head. Fasten off.

Finishing:

Weave in all ends, tighten hole in top (after topping up with stuffing) and work in that end.

Ta-dah! You have male yarn genitalia!

44 comments:

  1. I have loved watching your posts on FB showing the different ones you have made so far! I haven't crocheted in 10+ years so I doubt I could tackle this project ;)

    Kassandra

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    1. It's surprisingly fun to make these. I hadn't crocheted in a few years before I started, and it took a little while to get back into it—I'd encourage you to try. LOL

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  2. oh man I wish there was a knitting pattern for this since I don't crochet. Pretty awesome though.

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    1. You know, the person who'd know if there's a knitting pattern (or could draft one?) is probably Amy Lane. I know she has a pattern for something like this—a cock sock maybe—in one of her books.

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    2. Hee, hee. I would love to see my kitties tossing this around the room but I can't crochet either, only knit.

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    3. OMG, a cat toy! That would be so funny! (And it reminds me of a story of my friend's friend in grade school who had a cat named Poontang...) And see, there's something you can't do with the real thing.

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  3. What I love are the pragmatic instructions - make the scrotum, join the testicles - LMAO. I'm a knitter rather than a crochet-er, as well, but having seen these wonderful things at GRL, I may be tempted to brush up on my old skills! :) Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Wouldn't it be fun to have a big penis craft show at the next GRL? C'mon, you know you wanna...

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    2. I see how glass blowing could fit into this.

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    3. OMG, GLASSBLOWING!! *runs off to find a class*

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  4. This made me giggle for 5 minutes straight but where is the foreskin?

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    1. Dammit, Damon wanted one of those, too. Fine, I'll start on the pattern with foreskin. LOL

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  5. hee hee hee hee... and didn't we talk about foreskin at one point? I remember Twitter getting weird....

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    1. Yes, foreskin was mentioned a few times. You know, achieving realistic results without foreskin has been difficult enough. I'm just now working up to foreskin (it would help if I had a live model...).

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  6. I love this! I wish I didn't still have a little one roaming around the house so I could make this right now. I'm bookmarking the pattern so I can make it in 8 years though.

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    1. Well, if it's of any consolation, my children are pretty well corrupted at 11 and 13, so I just ended up making them in front of them. They refused to help me photograph them, though. Ingrates.

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  7. I love you. :) You're my favorite person today. Now I know what I'm making everyone for xmas!

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    1. Awww! I love being someone's favorite person for any reason, but because it came about as a result of my ridiculously obscene creative streak makes it even better!

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  8. Don't get cocky! Just because you're the Belle of the Balls and all. :)

    Awesome job. I never thought I'd tell a woman how much I liked her penis.

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    1. You cannot imagine how giddy it makes me when men tell me they like my penis!

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  9. Well, I guess this qualifies as the gift that keeps on giving.

    And I sincerely hope that someone takes a photo of Grandma's face when she first hefts her stocking with that quizzical look on her face, and then pulls out her goodie. Beats another gift certificate to Grannies 'r Us.

    So, what's next, Anne? Is this the Everest of crocheting? Or are looking to crochet yourself an entire man next year?

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    1. "An entire man" ROFL!

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    2. Well, I thought I might write a book, now...

      And I still have foreskins and things to work on. This isn't done. But a whole man? Why would I need one of those? ;-)

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  10. OK, US terminology withstanding, I aim to get out my crochet hooks (Christmas-y time when I have some spare) and really attempt this - MAINLY to shock my daughters :)

    Thank you so much for putting this into a format we can recognise (and I know Amy knits in the same way) :)

    Hugs
    Carole-Ann

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    1. You're welcome, Carole-Ann. :-)

      I'm planning on putting this into Word and PDF docs, and I don't see why I couldn't do a UK version (I think I have a book that will help me "translate"). If you can wait until Monday-ish, I should have it by then.

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  11. Oh gods, it's definitely time to brush up on my crochet skills and tackle this. :3

    I know a couple of people I can make them for who'd just about die upon opening a box/bag filled with a yarn penis.

    <3

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    1. I'm really looking forward to people opening their presents this year myself Heh.

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  12. I wonder if I have time to make one before Christmas! No worries about the UK version as I can translate myself--actually, I could probably help you do the translation if you want. I'm used to going between UK and US patterns all the time :)

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    1. I can do one in a day, Jo, but only if I have nothing else to do. I'm sure you could get one done by then. And since I didn't get even the US version into PDF form yet, you probably will have to do the conversions yourself. :-P

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  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  14. LOL! They look amazing. I think you were making a blue one at Edmond's party but it wasn't far along enough to see what it'd look like. Never thought I'd ever read instructions on how to make a crocheted penis :P

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    1. It's amazing what bizarre things you can find on the internet, isn't it? And at Edmond's social events, for that matter. LOL

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  15. I wish there was a way to scale this down to the size of a cat toy, my friends who know that I crochet have been requesting them but I can't seem to find any patterns small enough.

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    1. OMG I love that idea! Well, first you could use small yarn, and just decrease the numbers I suggest using. OR I could try and get around to making a smaller pattern... LMK and I'll work on it.

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  16. Round 10 has a typo I THINK. Rather than repeat 4 times, should it say repeat three times? Currently crocheting this now. :P

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    1. Okay, just going by the numbers, I have to say it looks like you're right (and so is the comment below). If it works that way, do it, for sure. I guess the other option is that I have the number of stitches in the parentheses at the end wrong.

      The problem is I change this pattern every time I do it, so the way I crochet a penis now is different than this pattern. If you find that your suggestion is correct, let me know an I'll change it in the instructions.

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    2. Oh no that's fine. I just wasnt sure if I had messed up a previous round, (which I tend to do often without noticing.) Just want this Penis to come out wonderfully.

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  17. I tried making it but it's not coming out right, I get a different sc count and the balls look nothing like the pictures I just get one big sack. I started over like three times, am I doing something wrong?

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  18. For some reason, Anonymous, I can't reply to your comment. As for the balls, are you crocheting two separate ones and then sewing them together? The stitch count doesn't matter that much, although the row count in the testicles does—you need the same number of unfinished rows in your two halves. So, the first few rows of Testicle 1 you'd crochet in the round, then you'd start going back and forth, so you have an open sided sphere. Sort of . . . Does that make any sense?

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    1. okay, I think I got it.the part where the testicles end and shaft begins gets wide instead narrow? should I do more then one 2tog over the seam line? thank you

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    2. Well, you should be narrowing the testicles as you go up, so that at the widest point they're 33-34 sc each, and by the time you finish and join, they're 12-15 sc each. Then when you join them, you'd have 27sc, so you should do 2 sc2tog, one at each spot where you joined on the first round. That will give you 25 sc, which is the number I used in that pattern.

      Really, you only need to have an odd number of stitches in your shaft rounds (but then you have to adjust the stitch count at the head). I'd recommend you skip the "faux-taint" part and go straight to "Stuffing Your Scrota." You might also want to do the "easy" version for the head, because the harder version is kind of complicated (I still have to look at this pattern every time I make a penis and get to the head, and half the time I screw it up).

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